Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Whispers in the night

I whisper in her ear. My cheek rubbing softly on her fresh sweet skin. My words are quiet and slow. I'm sorry. 

She sleeps and barely stirs as I pour out appology after appology. I'm sorry I got mad. 

She smells like heaven but I didn't treat her like precious treasure.  I shouldn't have done thatI'm sorry I reacted that way. 

Whispers and tears. Mama is so sorry for her temper today. 

I am good at apologies. They are frequent words in this house. I'm sorry I was not patient when I ask you to be always. I'm sorry I was not kind, when that is what's most important. I'm sorry my words were harsh and my heart was hard. 

She needed me and I felt bothered. I complained and belittled my job of mothering today quite a bit. I was frustrated and I was harsh, mean, and everything a mama should not be. I'm sorry. 

He has so much to say. And I have little desire to listen. These smallish things will some day be bigger things and I will lose my chance to be an influencer in his world. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you more today. I'm sorry I complained about you and your needs today when you weren't around. 

Whispers in the night. Words of humility and love. Proof of the reality that I am learning, changing, growing and still stumbling, but never giving up. 




I'm sorry my loves. Mama loves you so. I am going to try harder tomorrow. Mama loves you so. Sleep and dream. Tomorrow is new and I will try again. 

Monday, July 14, 2014

32

So yesterday we celebrated a birthday. Mine to be exact. I've never really made a big deal about birthdays. I don't put a lot of weight on them as a special day, at least for myself. My kids are one thing. Birthdays should be special and memorable. I know my parents worked hard to make my days special and big because of they were always at the hospital with my sister and away from me. 

I appreciate all their efforts, but some where along this journey of my life I started to harden up and act like they didn't matter. It's a defense mechanism we have. We pretend.

 I pretend it's not a big deal that it's my one special day. I just act like it doesn't matter because then if no one remembers, like they did one time in high school, my feelings won't be hurt because it doesn't really matter to me. 

It's amazing how much of our lives we pretend things don't matter so we can seem like we won't be hurt. Why don't we just say I've always been afraid that I didn't matter enough to people for them to remember my birthday. Or I'm afraid no one will see me or notice me or that I will cease to exist outside of the jobs I do everyday. And that makes me more of a robotic tool than a person who is turning 32. 

This years birthday started with tears and ended with tears. I cry a lot these days and yesterday was no different. The expectations or hopes I put into the day stole my joy of it. My baby still puked on me, my toddler still screamed at me, my almost three year old still had attitude and my five year old still questioned every single decision I made. I'm not sure why I thought it would be different. 

It ended nicely though. My husband sent me off to a movie with my sister in law and we laughed a lot about life. The movie was cute but I enjoyed our time surrounding it more. I had some nice moments and enjoyed all the well wishes from friends and family. Cora would run up to me at various intervals and say in her sweet and melodic sing song voice, "happy birthday mama!! {hug} it's my birthday in two months!!"

As will every step in my journey there is learning going on. I know I secretly put hopes and importance on days and moments. I need to communicate that. I need to be more honest with myself and not in a defeated honesty but a realistic honesty. My world is crazy chaos with the volume up to ten and it will be that way for a long time. Some day, maybe even next year, I will get my day away. Or maybe an over night. But for now I am needed. Truly needed at home, and that my dear friends is were I shall strive to grow in contentment to be. 

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