Friday, August 15, 2014

What's it like?

I recently had a conversation with a friend who asked what it's like having four kids within five years. It's not more different than mothering at its core. The ages and stages play their own part, but the same components are all there.

So, What's it like? Being a mom? 

It's the weight of 18 lbs dreaming away on your chest at 12 a.m. 
It's the sing songy voice of a toddler sweet talking her way to another chocolate chip.
It's arms around your knees taking you by surprise.
It's the warmth you feel when you watch your first singing to your fourth.
It's chubby fingers and tiny nails painted with purple nail polish and you kind of love them a little more because of it.
It's listening to your son soak in music that you remember feeling and hearing for the first time and knowing he loves it because, well, who doesn't love Newsies and he's got "Open the gates" on repeat each morning.
It's that baby smell that has you so obsessed you find yourself on the hard days debating if you should just go get high off the baby and sniff her head or go eat chocolate. Or in my case do both.
It's not always a Johnson and Johnson commercial...
It's hot tears down your cheek.
It's loosing your temper at someone who just lost theirs at someone.
It's irony.
It's chaos.
It's utter exhaustion and frustration and heavy heavy love all at the same time.
It's counting to 157 because counting to five isn't helping you calm down at all.
It's lonely, hard work that some days you think means absolutely nothing.
It's fights, and tantrums. Screaming and fits. 
It's messy, noisy, emotional and real raw emotions. They say boys are noise with dirt on it. Well, little girls are big emotions with nail polish. 
It's not owning a single shirt that doesn't have a spit up stain on it.
It's stretch marks and saggy boobs. 
But, it's creating and sustaining life.
It's so much grace.
It's more love than can ever be explained.
It's humility and growth.
It's trying so hard to do it right and yet knowing that you are totally screwing them up in the process.
It's hoping they understand you were doing the best you could. And that sometimes looks nothing like you thought it would. 
It's enthusiastic and rediculously adorable lisps like "clocklate kip," and "yook mommy, yook!" 

It's being pretty much obsessed and madly in love with these tiny humans who at the same time make you loose your mind. 
It's motherhood and there is no other job in the world like it. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Whispers in the night

I whisper in her ear. My cheek rubbing softly on her fresh sweet skin. My words are quiet and slow. I'm sorry. 

She sleeps and barely stirs as I pour out appology after appology. I'm sorry I got mad. 

She smells like heaven but I didn't treat her like precious treasure.  I shouldn't have done thatI'm sorry I reacted that way. 

Whispers and tears. Mama is so sorry for her temper today. 

I am good at apologies. They are frequent words in this house. I'm sorry I was not patient when I ask you to be always. I'm sorry I was not kind, when that is what's most important. I'm sorry my words were harsh and my heart was hard. 

She needed me and I felt bothered. I complained and belittled my job of mothering today quite a bit. I was frustrated and I was harsh, mean, and everything a mama should not be. I'm sorry. 

He has so much to say. And I have little desire to listen. These smallish things will some day be bigger things and I will lose my chance to be an influencer in his world. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you more today. I'm sorry I complained about you and your needs today when you weren't around. 

Whispers in the night. Words of humility and love. Proof of the reality that I am learning, changing, growing and still stumbling, but never giving up. 

I'm sorry my loves. Mama loves you so. I am going to try harder tomorrow. Mama loves you so. Sleep and dream. Tomorrow is new and I will try again. 
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